Parental Responsibility

«Train up a child in the way he should go; and when he is old, he will not depart from it.»

Notwithstanding the boasted advancement that has been made in educational methods, the training of children at the present day is sadly defective. It is the home training that is neglected. Parents, and especially mothers, do not realize their responsibility. They have neither the patience to instruct, nor the wisdom to control, the little ones intrusted to their keeping.

It is too true that mothers are not standing at their post of duty, faithful to their motherhood. They are generally the willing servants of worldliness and fashion. Many, even among those who profess to have renounced the world, are influenced to a great degree by its customs and its spirit. Many times the mother neglects her precious charge, and looks to the teacher of the Sabbath and the day school to make up her deficiency. But she has no right thus to shift her responsibility upon others, and leave them to do her work. God does not call her to engage in any enterprise to advance his cause or to benefit mankind that will lead her to neglect the physical, mental, and moral training of her own children; and what shall we say of her course when she neglects her sacred duties from worldly and selfish motives?

The opinions and maxims of the world should not govern the mother, nor should she labor to reach the world’s standard. She should decide for herself what is the great end and aim of life, and then bend all her efforts to attain that end. She may, for want of time, neglect many things about her house, with no serious results; but she cannot with impunity neglect the proper discipline of her children. Their defective characters will publish her unfaithfulness. The evils which she permits to pass uncorrected,—the coarse, rough manners, the disrespect and disobedience, the habits of idleness and inattention,—will reflect dishonor upon her, and will imbitter her life. Mothers, to a great degree the destiny of your children rests in your hands. If you fail in duty, you may place them in the ranks of the enemy, and make them his agents to ruin souls; but by a godly example and faithful discipline you may lead them to Christ, and make them the instruments in his hands of saving many souls.

Wherever I go, I am pained by the lack of proper home discipline and restraint. Little children are allowed to answer back, to manifest disrespect and impertinence. Parents who permit this are more worthy of blame than their children. Impertinence should not be tolerated in a child even once. But fathers and mothers, uncles and aunts and grandparents, laugh at the exhibition of passion in the little creature a year old. Its imperfect utterances of disrespect, its childish willfulness, are thought pretty and cunning. Thus wrong habits are confirmed, and the child grows up an object of dislike to all around him.

One great reason why so many children are forward, bold, and impertinent is, that they are noticed and praised too much, and their smart, sharp sayings are repeated in their hearing. Do not put them on exhibition before visitors as prodigies of wit or wisdom, but leave them, as far as possible, to the simplicity of their childhood. Endeavor not to censure unduly, nor to overwhelm with praise and flattery.

Parents, you should begin early to teach your children respect, obedience, and self-control. Remember that every exhibition of passion that is not firmly and decidedly checked is a lesson of evil. Your neglect of proper restraint opens the door to Satan, and invites him to come in and control your children; and he will not be slow to improve his opportunity.

Children require patient, faithful care. It is not enough that they are fed and clothed; their mental powers must be developed, and their hearts imbued with right principles. They need constant care; but you need not let them see that you are ever guarding them. Learn the disposition of your children as revealed in their association with one another, and then seek to correct their faults by encouraging opposite traits. Children should be taught that the development of both the physical and the mental powers rests with themselves, and is the result of effort. They should early learn that happiness is not found in selfish gratification, but follows only in the wake of duty.

I have heard mothers say that they had not the ability to govern which others have; that it is a peculiar talent which they do not possess. Those who realize their deficiency in this respect should make the subject of family government their most diligent study. And yet the most valuable suggestions of others should not be adopted without thought and discrimination. They may not be equally adapted to the circumstances of every mother, or to the peculiar disposition and temperament of each child in the family. Let the mother study with care the experience of others, note the difference between their methods and her own, and carefully test those that appear to be of real value. If one mode of discipline does not produce the desired results, let another plan be tried, and the effects carefully noted.

Mothers, above all others, should accustom themselves to thought and investigation. If they will persevere in this course, they will find that they are acquiring the faculty in which they thought themselves deficient; that they are learning to form aright the characters of their children. The result of the labor and thought given to this work will be seen in their obedience, their simplicity, their modesty and purity; and it will richly repay all the effort made.

A want of steadiness in family government is productive of great harm; in fact, it is nearly as bad as no government at all. The question is often asked, Why are the children of religious parents so often headstrong, defiant, and rebellious? The reason is to be found in the home training. The children have not had a good example, faithful instruction, and proper restraint. Too often the parents are not united in their family government. The father, who is with his children but little, and is ignorant of their peculiarities of disposition and temperament, is harsh and severe. He does not control his temper, but corrects in passion. The child knows this, and instead of being subdued, the punishment fills him with anger. The mother allows misdemeanors to pass at one time for which she will severely punish at another. The children never know just what to expect, and are tempted to see how far they can transgress with impunity. Thus are sown seeds of evil that spring up and bear fruit.

Firmness and decision are necessary. I have known parents to say, You cannot have this or that, and then relent, thinking they may be too strict, and give the child the very thing they at first refused. A life-long injury is thus inflicted. It is an important law of the mind—one which should not be overlooked—that when a desired object is so firmly denied as to remove all hope, the mind will soon cease to long for it, and will become occupied in other pursuits; but so long as there is any hope of gaining it, a persistent effort will be made for its attainment.

When it is necessary for parents to give a direct command, the penalty for disobedience should be as unvarying as are the laws of nature. Children who are under this firm, decisive rule, know that when a thing is forbidden or denied, no teasing or artifice will secure their object; hence they soon learn to submit, and are much happier in so doing. The children of undecided and overindulgent parents have a constant hope that they may gain their end by coaxing, crying, or sullenness, or that they may venture to disobey without suffering the penalty. Thus they are kept in a state of suspense, which makes them restless, irritable, and insubordinate. God holds such parents guilty of wrecking the happiness of their children. This wicked mismanagement is the key to the impenitence and irreligion of thousands. It has proved the ruin of many who have professed the Christian name. In many cases the restless, rebellious spirit, unsubdued in youth, creates disturbance in the church. Many church trials may be traced to defective family government. Intemperance and crime of every degree are often the fruits of seed sown by parents.

Let none imagine, however, that harshness and severity are necessary to secure obedience. I have seen the most efficient family government maintained without a harsh word or look. I have been in other families where commands were constantly given in an authoritative tone, and harsh rebukes and severe punishments were often administered. In the first case the children followed the course pursued by the parents, and seldom spoke to one another in harsh tones. In the second also the parental example was imitated by the children; and cross words, fault-findings, and disputes were heard from morning till night.

Fathers and mothers, you are teachers; your children are the pupils. Your tones of voice, your deportment, your spirit, are copied by your little ones. You should be united in their government. Study their dispositions with care, and together seek wisdom and strength from God to deal with them aright. If you attempt to govern without exercising self-control, without system, thought, and prayer, you will most assuredly reap the bitter consequences. But when you have faithfully done your duty, you may then ask the Lord to do for your children that which you cannot do. And having trained them in the way they should go, you will find that when old they will not depart from it. —